She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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