I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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