Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
