apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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