Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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