fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
high people should be assigned attendants
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
