pop tarts are not kleenex
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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