Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he just fucked me for my cheese..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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