My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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