I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize