Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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