It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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