sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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