So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
