It's Friday. Sex?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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