Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
