My nipple is on Facebook.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
