tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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