Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
