He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
