i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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