you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
