Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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