Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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