Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
