I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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