you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
