dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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