I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
