i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize