I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
