Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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