I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
