I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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