Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
