I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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