dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
it hurts more in the daytime
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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