I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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