Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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