I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
