I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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