onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's like iHOP with fire
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
