Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
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