last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize