Banned from zoo.
Again?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
