If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
