Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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