I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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