If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
