My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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