Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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