i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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