I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
