NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
