By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
