i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
