I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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