Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
